When we are weak He is strong

We spent most of our 32nd anniversary in doctor’s offices, and each others arms—crying.

The grief comes in waves. I’ve found that like the waves of the ocean, the grief can knock me down--and carry me away.

I heard the disappointment in one daughter’s voice, when I said I wasn’t up to having her children over for the morning. I saw the sadness in another daughter’s eyes as she watched me drift away in sorrow. She needed me. But I was out of her reach. Her wedding is just a couple of months away; she feels alone—she needs her mom. I wanted to be where she is…but I’m not.

I didn’t lose my brother. I lost my son. I lost him in the springtime of his life. He was just beginning to blossom into the person he was going to be. His budding creativity had begun to spread into drawing, writing, inventions and the wonderful world of firecrackers. Thankfully, he had not yet suffered the plights of the teenage years; the maladies that erode the sweet spirit of boyhood. I lost him when we still needed each other, and enjoyed each others company.

This morning I woke to the resolve to not begin the day weeping. If I am to still be the mom I want to be, and the mother and grandmother my children need; I must keep my eyes from looking back too far, or into a future that will never be. They must be fixed on the beauty God has set before me. In order for me to do this, I must bathe my heart daily in thankfulness and praise; lest I let my hand slip from His, and be lost to wander in the darkness that surrounds this path.

I don’t know the way on my own. I feel like a child afraid to let go of my Father’s hand; frightened and trying to hide behind his leg. I don’t want to go down this path, I want to go back home, where Daniel lived. This is not the road I wanted, and there is no turning back. Still, I know He alone can guide me safely through, although my steps are unsure and I’m weary.

As the sun peeks over the horizon and through the trees this morning, I choose not to listen to the whispers that call me to sorrow. Instead, I’m listening to this song over and over. I wrote the words down.

Little by little it silenced the voice of grief, lifted my eyes, and strengthened my spirit.

Praise You in This Storm
by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now
God, you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
But once again
I say Amen—
and it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear
you whisper through the rain
I’m with you

And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You’ve never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my crying
And raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find you

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of heaven and earth

I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You’ve never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.

And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm.